Fruit people and aliens
by Laura JN
Summary: It is the eleventh hour, and the doctor crash lands in the garden of a young blonde girl named Stevie. Featuring Miranda Hart, as the eleventh Doctor.
1. Chapter 1

The console whirred and hummed as the T.A.R.D.I.S ground to a halt, it's engines ablaze and smoke puffing up through the vents in great plumes. It had crash landed on it's side, and now lay in front of a young girl, with flowing blonde hair. She stood there in her nightgown, brandishing a battery-powered torch, looking up at the police box with wide eyes. Her mouth fell open, as the doors flung wide open, with a loud crash, and a roped hook came hurtling forth, and clasped onto a garden chain. She looked up in shock, as a hand emerged from the wreckage, and clutched at the side of the blue box. It was followed shortly by another, and then a woman's head. She was grinning like a loon,

"And a hearty hello to you!" exclaimed the large woman, causing the young girl to look at her with a puzzled expression, "If you wouldn't mind, I would really like an apple right now. It all I can think about, to be honest little chum. Maybe I'm having cravings... Maybe I'm pregnant! No thats unlikely... I was a man just a moment ago, you see?" She proceeded to launch her leg out, and over the side of the box, to illustrate that she was wearing men's pinstripe trousers. She sat there for a moment, poised on the edge of the box, and looked back down into the chaos from which she had raised, "Well. Look at that."

"Are you alright?" Asked the young blonde, in a strained, fairly high-pitched voice,

"Yeah, no worries. I just tripped over something in the library. Happens all the time. Bit of a trek back up though."

"You're soaking wet!" The girl exclaimed,

"I was taking a dip in the pool." the tall woman explained, as if this were also normal.

"You said you were in the _library_!"

"Yes, there was a swimming pool." Obviously. The young girl rolled her eyes,

"Are you a policeman?"

"Excuse me? Do I look like a man? Does this scream 'man' to you?" The woman asked, gesturing to all of herself.

"Did you come about the crack in my wall?" The young girl continued firing questions, ignoring the woman's obvious offence. At that moment, the woman tumbled forward, and landed clumsily on the grass. At first the girl thought she was in pain, but no, she had just lost her balance.

"Are you sure you're alright Mister?"

"MISTER? And yes. Yes I'm okay. This is all perfectly normal." The tall woman insisted, clutching at her sides and back, and wheezing a little. Suddenly she coughed, and a trace of golden energy escaped her mouth, then faded away into shimmering darkness.

"Who are you?" The girl asked,

"I'm not quite sure yet. I've not quite come to the boil as it were. Does it scare you?"

"No... it just looks a bit... inelegant."

"_EXCUSE ME_? And no, I meant the crack in your wall, not me."

"Yes." She answered, again ignoring the obvious offence taken by the other woman. With that, she clambered to her feet, a broad grin on her face,

"Well then! No time to loose. I'm the Doctor. Do everything I tell you. Don't ask about my age, and don't gallop off." And with that, she strode off in the wrong direction, and crashed into a tree, head first, causing her to topple over backwards yet again.

"You alright?" The girl asked for a third time,

"Early days little chum. My steering is a bit below par." She explained, as the girl sighed, and guided her through the garden toward her house.


	2. Fish Fingers and Custard

The Doctor glanced around the girl's kitchen, hoping to spy something that would fill the void in her stomach. She had a new body, and needed to eat. The girl was looking up at her with scrutiny,

"If you're a Doctor, then why does your box say police?" she asked, handing the tall woman an apple. She proceeded to take a large bite out of the fruit, chewed it for a moment, and then spat it out into her hand. She then put it in the compost, and washed her hands in the sink, coughing,

"That's unpleasant. What is that?"

"An apple..."

"Ugh healthy. No no, that is not what apples are for." She explained. Then placed the rest of the apple on the kitchen table. Several minutes later, the apple had been decorated with various bits and bobs from around the kitchen, and now had a face, hands and some accessories. "That is what fruit is for little chum. Never forget that you need your five a day of fruit people."

"You said you liked them." The girl protested,

"No, no, well as people, but yoghurt is my favourite. May I have some yoghurt, host?" She asked cheerily. The girl's gaze lingered on her in suspicion, before she went to the fridge to fetch it. The doctor peeled open the lid in one swift movement, and downed the contents of the pot. She then spat out most of it into the sink. "I hate yoghurt. Just... stuff... with bits in."

"You said it was your favourite!" The young blonde sounded exasperated, and high-pitched as ever.

"New mouth requires new rules, little chum. It is like eating having just brushed one's teeth. Everything tastes wro-" The Doctor broke off, suffering from another attack of excess energy escaping,

"What's wrong with you?"

"Whats wrong with _me_? I will not take the blame for this. Why can't you give me decent food? You're English, fry something!" The Doctor insisted. With another look of concern and disbelief, the young girl moved to turn on the hob. Several minutes later, she had bacon sizzling hot in a pan.

"Bacon!" The Doctor exclaimed. Surely they could not go wrong with bacon. She took a mouthful, and at first all seemed to be fine. The girl smiled, proud of her cooking. After a moment however, the Doctor could stand no more, and discretely removed the bacon from her mouth, then leaned toward the young girl. She whispered in a low voice,

"Are you trying to poison me?" This continued for a while, in which time the Doctor discovered that beans were evil, and very bad. Bread and butter was to be kept out of the house, and that carrots were an insane idea. Finally, she came to the conclusion that she needed fish fingers and custard.

After tucking in to her meal of fish fingers dipped in a large bowl of custard, the young girl was giving her the strangest look,

"Funny." she commented.

"Am I? Funny is good. Perhaps I should be a comedian... Whats your name?"

"Stevie."

"Pffft. Thats a silly name. _Stee-vee_." She exaggerated the 'e's, "Like a name in a sitcom, or Surrey..." Changing the subject, the Doctor took another bite of fish finger, and plopped the rest into her mouth, "What about your mum and dad then? Are they upstairs? I would have thought we'd have woken them by now."

"I don't have a mum and dad... just a aunt." Stevie replied, causing the Doctor to nod slowly in understanding,

"I don't even have an _aunt_."

"You're lucky."

"I know. Tell me about it. She'd say these annoying phrases like 'such fun' and 'what I call 'tea'' It is tea! _It just is_!" She took a moment to compose herself, "So your aunt, where is she?"

"She's gone out."

"And left you all alone? I'm fairly sure that's illegal..."

"I'm not scared!"

"Of course you're not! This is _Surrey_! Look at you, Steveeee, just sitting there. Do you know what I think?" She asked. Stevie shook her head,

"What?"

"Must be one hell of a scary crack in your wall. Its a funny word that isn't it? Crack... Crack." The Doctor turned to look at the camera "Crack." She turned back to Stevie "Oh I've said it too many times now. CRACK!"


	3. Prisoner Zero, are we?

The Doctor was closely examining the crack in young Stevie's wall. It spread along like horizontal lightning, or the parting of some monstrous mouth,

"You've had some cowboys in here. Well, not actual cowboys." The Doctor looked around, "Though that can happen." She added. Stevie decided that it was time to change the subject. The doctor seemed pleased by the idea of having cowboys in her bedroom. In fact she seemed to be fantasizing about the possibility,

"I hate apples. My mum used to draw faces on them." Stevie handed the doctor an apple. This one had a smiling face carved into it,

"Ah! Another lover of fruit people I see. She sounds good, your mum. I'll keep it for later" She smiled. Fruit people really were the best for evening parties. She turned back to face the wall,

"Now this wall is solid, and the crack doesn't go all the way through it. So where's the draft coming from? Have you left a window open?" She took out a strange device, about the size of a pen, and pressed a button. A blue light, and a high, humming sound emanated from it as she scanned the crack in the wall, "Wibbly wobbly timey wimey. Do you know what the crack is? Hehe... crack."

"What?" Stevie asked,

"Its a crack! HA!" The Doctor exclaimed, amused by her own sense of humour. "Naughty!" She looked aghast at the camera, before returning her gaze to Stevie. She tried to put on her best serious face, "But the crack isn't in the wall."

"No, its in your terrible jokes... So where is it then?"

"Everywhere." The Doctor eclaimed, "Its a split in the skin of the world. Oh I like that... the world has a skin... the 'worldskin' ew. Now that just sounds nasty. Moving on." She traced her fingers along the cracked plaster, "Two parts of space and time that should never have touched. Pressed together... This is just sounding worse and worse isn't it?" Stevie nodded, "But its right here, in the wall of your bedroom. Sometimes, can you hear-?"

"A voice? Yes." Stevie nodded again. With that, the Doctor moved away from the wall, and snapped up a glass from her bedside table. She chucked the water out, over her shoulder, then looked around again. She pressed the glass up against the crack, then pressed her ear to the glass.

-Prisoner Zero has escaped-

The Doctor heard a deep, dry voice through the glass.

"Prisoner Zero-" The Doctor repeated,

"Has escaped." Stevie finished for her. "That's what I heard. What does it mean?"

"It means that on the other side of this wall, Stevie my chum, is a prison." The Doctor concluded, nodding with pride at her deductive skills. "And they've lost a prisoner. Do you know what that means?"

"Duh." Stevie responded. "There is a prisoner on the loose."

"No, you need a better wall." she corrected the girl, walking over to pick up her entire desk, and lifting it out of the way. "The only way to close the breach is to open it all the way. The forces will invert, and it will slam itself shut. Or..."

"What?"

"You know when grown ups tell you everything is going to be fine? And you know they are definitely lying in a pathetic attempt to make you feel better?"

"Yes..."

"We're doomed."The Doctor declared, though feeling she had not ended that thought where it had began. She took Stevie's hand, and they stood back from the wall, as the Doctor lifted her sonic screwdriver, and raised it to the crack.. The screwdriver whirred and buzzed on it's high frequency, and a brilliant light burst out from the crack. It began to open, causing the light to spread and a loud rumbling noise to echo through the room. "Looks a bit like the batman logo." The Doctor commented when it was half way open.

-Prisoner Zero has escaped-

A pause, "Bare with." The Doctor assured Stevie. "Bare with."

-Prisoner Zero has escaped-

The Doctor took a brave step toward the crack. "Oh Hello. Missing a prisoner _are we_?" Silence. "_Hello_?" Just then, a gigantic eye rolled into view, behind the crack. It looked around the room, before focusing on the Doctor and Stevie. The young girl caught her breath. Her heart was racing faster and faster,

"Whats that?" She asked, squeezing the Doctor's hand tightly. The Doctor did not answer though, and used her sonic screwdriver to close the gap again, "What is that thing?" Stevie asked again. "Was that prisoner Zero?"

"Nope! I think that was prisoner Zero's guard. Not an attractive guard is he? Not like the normal, well built sort... anyway, whatever it was, it sent me a message." She held up a small wallet, "Psychic paper. Its a bit like receiving a text, except it reads your mind..." She looked down at the paper, "Prisoner Zero has escaped... yes we know that. But why tell us... unless..." the Doctor looked around, suddenly with a hint of nervousness in her ancient eyes,

"Unless what?" Stevie took a step back, feeling that something was very wrong.

"Oooo... I've got it. Unless Prisoner Zero escaped through here." She said, looking around the room for any sign of a break in. "But it couldn't have... we'd know." She nodded toward the camera, raising her eyebrows. The doctor suddenly took off into the corridor, with Stevie following her. "Its difficult, but there's something I'm missing... in the corner... of my eye." She turned, very slowly, focusing her gaze in her peripheral vision. She focused on a door facing them at the end of the corridor. Suddenly, a loud humming came from outside, echoing around the walls of the house, as if the sound were close by, "NOPE!" The Doctor exlaimed, dashing off down the stairs, "No, no, no, no." She sprinted to the front door. "I must get back in there!" She announced, darting outside, "The engines are phasing! Its going to _explode!_"

"Its just a box... how can a box have engines?" Stevie asked synically

"Its not a box! It just isn't!" The Doctor stated exasperatedly. "Its a time machine."

"Dashing off in a real time machine, _are we_?" Stevie sounded more disbelieving than ever, as she stood there in her Wellington boots and night gown.

"Not for much longer if I can't get her stabilized. A simple five minute hop into the future should do it." The Doctor shoved the rope back inside the T.A.R.D.I.S, and swung a leg over the side, hoisting herself up.

"Can I come?" Stevie asked after a moment, suddenly filled with joy,

"Not safe, not yet, five minutes little chum! Give me five minutes, and I shall be right back."

"People always say that" Stevie sighed.

"BRB?" The Doctor hopped down from the ledge, and crouched down in front of Stevie, "Am I people? Do I even _look_ like people?" She held Stevie's gaze "Trust me, I'm the Doctor."

"Not really, no..." Stevie looked thoughtful, as the Doctor clambered back over the side of the blue box, and jumped down inside,

"I heard thaaaaat!" The she cried, as she fell into the depths of the T.A.R.D.I.S, and the doors slammed shut behind her, and a loud whirring noise started. Stevie stood there with her hands on her hips, as the light shimmered, and the police box warped in and out of existence. There was a great gust of wind, and the box disappeared completely, leaving Stevie standing there in her back garden. She sauntered back into her house, rolling her eyes, and begun packing a suitcase. She shoved in some clothes, a teddy, and did not notice the door she strolled past. The door that the Doctor had looked at before. The door that was never open. It was, but she did not see it, and continued packing, before closing her suitcase tightly shut, and grabbed a coat and hat on her way back outdoors.

Stevie walked out into the garden, and plonked her case on the ground, before sitting on it, and wrapping her arms around her. The night was dark and cold, and she hoped the strange woman would not keep her waiting long. She looked up at the sky, wondering if she would catch a glimpse of a tall mad-woman, in large blue box somewhere amongst the stars. Five minutes later, she shrugged, and walked back into the house. Oh well, no big deal.


	4. Where is Stevie?

The T.A.R.D.I.S materialized slowly, allowing yet more smoke to puff out of it's chambers, and the doors made a terrible squeeking sound as the Doctor stepped outside, and covered her mouth. The moment she realized that Stevie was not there, she called out her name. No response,

"Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!" She called, galloping toward the house. "I worked out what it was! I know what was missing! You've got to get out!" She called, fumbling with the front door lock and her sonic screwdriver. The lock finally opened, and she stepped inside, "Stevie? Are you alright? Are you even there?" She climbed the stairs, and scanned the door. She was out of breath from climbing the stairs, and galloping toward the house. "Prisoner-" She huffed, "Prisoner Zero is here! Prisoner Zero is-" She was cut off, as a large object came flying toward her, and slammed into her face, knocking her out instantly.

Not far away, in the town hospital, Gary followed a doctor to the ward where he worked,

"So, they all called out at once? That's what you're saying?" She asked him. Gary nodded. "All of them." She continued, "All the _coma_ patients. You do understand that these people are all comatose, don't you? They can't speak."

"Yes Doctor Ramsten." He nodded, putting up with her patronizing tone. He was a trained medical professional, of course he understood the obscurity of the situation,

"Then why are you wasting my time?" She said through gritted teeth. Gary looked about him, thinking of a way to make his words sound less absurd,

"Because they called for you." He settled for the facts. Doctor Ramsten looked up from her notes,

"Me?" She gave him a sardonic look. Gary nodded insistently.

-Doctor-

Came a low, raspy voice from behind them. Gary and Doctor Ramsten turned their heads, very slowly, to see the comatose patient who had just spoken out. Again he said it,

-Doctor-

And then a female patient to their left,

-Doctor-

Soon, all the patients in the ward were calling for the Doctor. Over and over again, repeating that one word

-Doctor-

Back in Stevie's home, the Doctor awoke to the sound of birds, and found her eyes rolled slowly into focus on her surroundings. She realised she was handcuffed to a radiator, and before her were a pair of very short legs,

"White woman in late forties, breaking and entering. Send me some back up, I've got her restrained." the Doctor's eyes wandered up a short distance to the police woman's face. "Oi, you sit still." The woman said firmly. The Doctor looked up at her, confused and concussed.

"Cricket bat... Cricket bat... _LATE FORTIES_?" She turned to look at the camera, "Rude!" Then turned back the the short, blonde woman in front of her.

"You were breaking and entering." The woman insisted.

"Oh that is much better... It seems like brand new me needed a knock to the head." The Doctor announced.

"Are you going to shut up now? I've got back up on the way."

"You've got back up on the way... You're a police woman."

"And you're breaking and entering. Do you see how this works?" The woman stared at the Doctor for a long time, her face entirely serious.

"Where's Stevie?" The Doctor asked,

"Stevie?"

"Yes, funny little girl. I promised her I'd be five minutes but the T.A.R.D.I.S was phasing... I suppose I may have gone a bit far." Her expression became concerned, "Has something happened to her?" The blonde woman hesitated before answering,

"Stevie hasn't lived here in a long time." She stated. The Doctor looked even more concerned for a moment, then as if an after thought,

"How long?" There was another long pause.

"Six months."

"Nope. No. No." The Doctor assured her, "No I can't have been six months. I said I'd be five minutes. I promised her. Honest."

"She probably died of boredom." The other woman responded, rolling her eyes in a strangely familiar way, before turning.

"What happened to her? What happened to Stevie?" The Doctor asked again, as the other woman picked up her walkie talkie,

"Sarge' its me again, hurry it up. He knows something about Stevie."


End file.
